13 reasons why…

In the light of recent events, there has been a lot of discussion and focus over an issue which is not so recent. With all these stories appearing in the news, some damn relatable feelings and the storm of thoughts my recent watch of ’13 reasons why’ has triggered, I too like many others was into deep contemplation about how could someone be in a state of mind to take one’s own life ,whether it is the right thing to do or if there is any right thing at all in such a scenario. While I have had my share of debates with myself as well as my friends about Hannah baker, I couldn’t help but feel helpless about the situation. And so I got to thinking what I feel about my life and If I were to end it why would I end it. While I could easily manage recalling 13 problems with my life, at the same time, imagining the finality of the situation made me realize that I would be missing out on so many potentially amazing and remarkably weird things if my life were to end right now. I might actually experience some of this while I might never come anywhere near realizing some of this shit but here are 13 reasons why (I certainly found more than 13) I don’t want to die just yet (In no particular order):

  1. I am yet to taste a frog, crocodile and octopus.
  2. I am yet to publish a first author research paper.
  3. I am yet to perform a flirtatious proposal to one of my crushes in a moment of insane courage.
  4. Yet to find a boyfriend.
  5. I still haven’t been to and roamed around Italy in its entirety.
  6. Yet to attend my first ever arctic monkeys concert.
  7. Yet to meet and hug Alex Turner.
  8. Yet to lose my virginity in the most exciting (maybe pathetic) circumstances.
  9.  Yet to learn how to play a harmonica.
  10. I am yet to watch Breaking Bad and South park.
  11. I am yet to experience the agonies of childbirth.
  12. Still haven’t tasted white wine yet.
  13. I still have to buy a set of lacy undergarments.

Well this is in no way me bragging about offering a miraculous solution or a magic potion to any of the pressing issues that got us into thinking about life, its problems and perks but I certainly felt good and nice just wondering about all the possibilities I haven’t experienced yet and no matter at what stage of life one is we all wonder about certain things, certain dreams, certain wishes and a certain someone. For me even thinking about the end point of my life made me immediately regret missing out on some of the stuff (some of which certainly might never come true) and It made me realize why I want to live more. While I have no insights on what may be going on anyone’s life and in no way eligible to preach anything on this matter to anyone, my only suggestion is to just sit and think of 13 reasons or more why you don’t want to die just yet and see how that works for you. While for me it didn’t ease any of the ache or distress events around us have caused nor did it emerge as a life changing revelation, all it did was give me 5 minutes of crazy fun and a feeling of preciousness for my life which was seemingly shitty a few moments ago. Maybe this little endeavor could give us all some new reasons to start over, an extra zest to an already zestful life or some harmless fun for five minutes.  Well its anyways just five minutes!!!

 

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MY INSPIRATION, MY GRANDPA

This is my first attempt (I consider it more of an experiment to escape the otherwise boring winter holidays of being pathetically jobless) of writing something on a public platform (you can comment freely, all suggestions for improvement are welcome!!!)  and so its an obvious and deeply sentimental obligation of mine to dedicate it to a person who practically taught me how to read, write, speak, behave and be ‘me’- My grandfather.  A guide, confidante and friend of mine, he was my soul sister for the first 18 years of my life.

Living in a joint family has its perks and I admit, I made the most of it. So from the day I was born I received overwhelming love from 3 mothers , 3 fathers and a loving yet slightly weird elder cousin sister. My golden era as the youngest child in the family ended shortly with the birth of my nagging, idiotic brothers. Yet there was no love lost between me and my grandpa and I continued to be his favorite person in the house and he mine.

Being a schoolteacher his entire life , he was famously known to have taught almost half of my father’s classmates and other people living in our colony. And so when my fathers (my father and his elder brother)  got their jobs, he was strictly forbidden from continuing any more tuition business. ‘Old habits die hard’ and so me and my sister happily stepped into the role being his only pupils (too sad my brothers never understood the worth of that experience).

So our royal education began and I am glad it began like this. He used to teach us , preach us, make us understand things and even scold us for our mistakes. Teaching us would give him real joy and a sense of fulfillment that even, as a 5 year old child who’s so naive to deep emotions, I could sense so well in his beautiful eyes.

“I got the president award for best teacher in my district for 3 years in a row”, he used to say and I couldn’t agree more. His way of teaching was so full of amazing things. Those little pearls of moments when he used to be so engrossed and lost that his chai used to get cold and his biscuits used to remain untouched. He used to drink the same chai with sheer satisfaction of a job done to perfection. The studying part itself was such fun for me , he instilled in me, whatever zest I have to excel in things. He taught me that my only competition is myself, which I am struggling to follow in the one hell of a rat-race environment I face in my college. He gave me my precious ego. He gave me love and above  all he gave  me encouragement. He, like other people was expecting  a hell lot of phenomenal things from me during my crucial school years( I don’t even want to get into how pathetic ,the competitive exams ,make a student’s life) but he was also burning the mid-night oil with me. He used to fall asleep in his couch sitting next to me till 2-3 am. He used to be so full of pride whenever anyone used to praise me. He used to be the editor of my early baby steps into writing poetry. He never had a look of disappointment when I didn’t excel so much in my medical entrance. He was dying of joy when I got into college. He must have cried when he left me teary-eyed at the beginning of my hostel-life. He must have missed me dearly when we couldn’t talk much , when I was too busy with my new friends and new found freedom. He must have relished every moment of our hours long phone calls and must have wished good things for all the successes that I taste till date. He nurtured me as a person, he laid the foundation to my universe, he devoted all his energies to me and there is nothing more phenomenal any person can do in his/her lifetime and nothing more selfless a person can act, if you ask me.

It was such a joyride being his granddaughter, his pride. And that one year when he was too ill to even remember me or talk to me must have been the most difficult phase of my life. The time when it was too difficult to even recall the last ‘proper’ chat we had was heart shattering. And the day when he was no longer between us was making my very soul so numb.

And yes I know he is always with me , his blessings are always there for me but there are somethings that you just can’t substitute from anywhere.  What if I want to listen to his adventurous bed time stories of ‘partition of India’ or his lovely ‘barber and lion’ story or his favourite lines of shayari ? Where do I get that ? yeah I would never get that.

And so no matter how crappy life gets sometimes I am deeply grateful for that magical phase of my life and attribute all my successes to him and his blessings. He is my strength during bad times and a tear of joy during good times. He is my companion in my goals and dreams. But above all of my dreams and aspirations , I would really think my life is worthy if I ever become THAT ONE PERSON for someone, what he was for me.

Love you papa. This one was for you rockstar.

 

 

 

 

 

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